Is it Love or is it Lust?

No it's not my intention to rant and rave like one of those bitter singles on Valentine's day. But I often question the motives behind those that go out and dish out a wad of cash to buy roses/flowers, stuffed teddies and a box of chocolates for their "sweethearts". Is the motive really to show their genuine affection for that "special" someone that is currently in their lives(and I say currently because quite often a good number of those relationships hardly last beyond a month or a week), or is it simply to follow like sheep and do the predictable and pretend that they are that devoted to someone/admired by someone? We're all suckers for "love". But I feel that so few really understand or know the work it entails and we invest all that time trying to live out some Hollywood version of that affection. We want so much to be with The One, that we're willing to play pretend with whomever we share an inkling of romantic feelings with at the present. Some even settle, for the longer term. And potentially fail.

You can't purchase ones affection. Any affection won over solely by material things is nothing. Its been said many times before and I'll say it again.....we have ample days of the year to show someone how much we care about them. Shouldn't everyday be celebrated as such?It's the gesture or the thought behind it that counts. Not the value of the object. It's as though we choose one day solely to make up for the laziness of being thoughtful towards others everyday of our lives. Yes its origine comes from the celebration of the Saint Valentine (Valentinus), which according to my searches; whose existance and life story isn't even largely known to us. (As quoted by Pope Gelasius I, he named him among those "... whose names are justly reverenced among men, but whose acts are known only to God."). Well not much chance of finding out who he was if you're not religious. No guarantees you'll even get to dicuss it with God, even if you do believe in his existance. He has a lot of questions to answer to no doubt. And I'm certain that those who will get the opportunity to have a chat with The Man, that won't likely be the first question they'll think to ask.

Yes it seems quite romantic to dedicate a day to the celebration of love. But I'll admit that it serves to me as a reminder of what I feel might be lacking from my life. It's a day that tends to bring me down, even though I tell myself it's just another commercial holiday. The thought of being thought of or admired by another is always pleasant. We all yearn to be loved and desired by another. It just irks me, because its turned into yet another crazy spending day of the year. I think I'd take the Honest words "I love you" over a box of chocolates any day of year!

The game of life

I have undergone some changes in my life lately that have triggered a slew of thoughts and emotions to engulf my mind. As indicated in my previous note.
These days I am overtaken with a fatigue and a lack of desire to pretend anymore. I have come to discover that I am incapable of pretending that I am something better and different. A better version of me. I am not stronger, more rational or more balanced with age. Instead I am awkward and unusual. I feel even more confused and bewildered by my current state of mind. By the way things have come to be. And yet fatefully I already knew many of the answers before things took place. I asked myself how I let it come to this point anyway. Logically one should stop the course of things if they foresee some kind of failure. It occurred to me then that the power of ones hopes and dreams are very powerful. Enough to even make the most rational and logical person push on. Because we all hope that a dream may come true deep down. The possibility. What might happen. But then the complications and compromise come into the bargain. Leaving us disillusioned. Reality can leave you with a bitter taste sometimes.

I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine. I hadn't seen him in a while. He has been through some similar changes that have affected him and his approach to the world and people around him. I saw a strain in his eyes and face. And I wondered if the same was present in mine. He expressed the same frustrations and said how he had no desire to be anything else for anyone anymore. That he would wait for someone to just like him as he was. I saw the same sadness and confusion. The question of what is it that was missing inside to be the right kind of someone for someone else. I've often asked myself this question. What are those things that trigger certain emotions within us to make us choose one particular person over any other. What does it take for us to remain loyal and connected to one person. The odds of meeting that person are often quite low, leading us all into this race of finding the perfect mate with whom we can live out the ultimate life we all picture for ourselves. And so what I see, is a lot of people settling with the nearest thing they believe they can find to it. As a result many relationships fall apart. My question is what dream are we really running after? Our own or the one we grow up believing to be our own. Fabricated by the very society we grew up in and live in...

Like many others, I find myself yearning to play house. Have the kids, the loving husband, the secure home I can decorate and do with all I want, the decent and respectable job. The stability with a foreseeable future. Then there's the part of me that fears to be chained down to so much responsibility and that I'll miss out on all the other things the world has to offer. The part that desires to travel and see things I've never seen. Live life as carelessly without any concern for responsibilities. To remain forever a child within, and rejoice in all that can be experienced in life. Because life is so short and there's only one life to be lived-our own. Unless you believe in reincarnation. How do we choose the path that is right for us?

I feel at times that the pressures to try and accomplish a certain state in our lives is a silly notion. What if there is no set place or path we are meant to be or take. Life was perhaps not intended to be so structured. And yet the majority of us grow up with this mapped out plan, with a schedule that tells us where we should be within our lives. If one could define "sailing through life" I would like to imagine it meaning experience as many aspects of life as humanly possible. Sadly we live with all the restrictions we've created for ourselves. Such as money, security, jobs, politics, bills and the worst yet is our need to consume. The ever growing monster within that urges us to purchase more every day to fulfill a void within us that cannot be filled. The abyss of materialistic needs.

And I am equally a part of it....



Written February 5, 2009

What is it I am supposed to be...?

I am meant to be kind, cute, intelligent, confident, courteous, assertive,seductive, attractive, decisive, supportive, successful, nurturing, motherly, strong, balanced, controlled, dedicated, and somewhat subservient-although society wouldn't label it as that or admit to it being as that.

To admit ones lack of confidence is unattractive. To be too strong is intimidating and undesirable in a woman. So where is the perfect balance? How is it achieved? Arguably, men are equally labeled and scrutinized. I don't deny that we should strive to embetter ourselves. But to be just to my morals, I feel that we should do that in the goal of improving us as a humanity. To achieve a better and happier world. One with less violence and injustice towards others. A Utopia if you will. One that many say is impossible to achieve. And undoubtedly so, as long as the fight for power and wealth remains to be an issue and a desired object by most.

So is it not a vanity within us that dictates all those flawless qualities. Surely noone is capable of saying that they fit beneath all those titles of greatness. It is beyond human capacity in my opinioin. I have begun to feel myself under qualified and less than fit, as I list these things in my head, and realise how many I haven't yet accomplished to be throughout my life thus far. I am an undesirable in society, if I choose to believe that I must be all those things expected of me. A society that is a unity of people, has always known it's flaws that never seem to be fully admitted. Instead we quietly strive individually to be things we think we should be. All running around with our insecurities, but putting up our fronts to pretend that we have no such things. We are less than perfect.....but is that truly a flaw?
We instead support this unhealthy infrastructure that holds ouir world together. Continuously following through this vicious cycle of what, where and how one SHOULD be.

I know that I am unconventional, incredibly insecure. Less than womanly in the eyes of what society defines it to be. I am not driven or "accomplished". But should we not define what we should be for ourselves? I feel that we need to shed these pre-specified characteristics that we're all expected to grow into. We all want to be liked and loved. Admired and respected.....there must be another way to be better people. Beyond what appearances can define.

I just want to be me and thought of as no less for it

Written February 3, 2009

Disconcerting Freedom

I am at another changing phase in my life. What seemed settled and right before has come and gone. I am now rediscovering a new sense of freedom, unlike any I had lost. A new sense of me. A woman reborn. Very raw and unsure.

With it all comes the confusion, the uncertainty and lack of control. A chaos. A jumble of senseless words. Like a man banished to silence and solitude for yrs who has just come back in touch with human contact. Like a child overwhelmed by so many new things in this world. My thoughts and mind are jumbled with the headiness caused by this new found euphoria. I find myself completely bare before the world. Unable to maintain any control over my thoughts or my feelings. Like a broken tap, everything comes pouring out of me. Unable to hold back and keep any sensible barrier between me and the new world around me. I have lost my calm, cool controlled self into this new mind and body of a wild and restless creature. I am honest, but too honest. I am irrational and unreserved. There is something within me that has been quiet for so long and is wanting to come out and no longer hide.

My soul yearns for the breath of fresh air, after being locked up in its dry and stale old solitary room. It is free and does not know what to think of its freedom yet. It is stunned and frozen from the shocking change. The lengthy starvation drives it to madness with the sudden abundance laying there before it. Bewildered and suspicious....for it knows not what awaits it at its next step. Yet naive and gullible, it knows not anymore how to judge well and wisely. It is vulnerable and tired of questioning. It seeks truth and no more games.....

Written January 22, 2009

Back to the Canvas....La toile de mon esprit

The smell of oil paint on a canvas and the turpentine always leaves me feeling more at home in my space. It's always a challenge to get started, to begin what may be a failed attempt at capturing that thought or image in my mind or a successful representation of my imagination. The desire is there, but it is as though balls and chains are attached to my arm until I paint my first few strokes. It becomes easier and my hand flows more naturally as I see the image come to life, there before me.
I go through this every time. Each time I know and tell myself it will be fine and I'll enjoy it once I get back into it again.....but it is always hard for me to begin. A battle of wills inside of me. Because the failure to achieve the results I desire will always set me back. And it is this fear that eats away at me. I feel my productivity dwindle.....and once again the brushes remain sitting, untouched for several more months to pass.

Painting for me is like to a relationship. With the disappointment and failure comes the reluctance to attempt to start over. I need to build my trust in my relationship to the brush. When the artist and his tool can become one, that is when they truly express their soul. If feelings and thoughts would be so easy to express in words and through visual representation we would be so much more understanding of one another. But the soul feels the barrier, and we seek ways to reflect what is within. The challenge makes the success all the more precious.

If only feelings and thoughts could be physically represented by a small blue ball of light, that we could pass on to the other, perhaps so much more would be respected within each others hearts. Understanding is key....and yet we understand so little. And with the fear of the unknown, or sheer ignorance we break the fine strings that bind us together. And so waves of broken hearts wash up onto the shores of the isle of loneliness.

And so I yearn to return to my painting again...

Things that matter

I've been lingering between emotions lately. One of freedom and some kind of inner peace, and the other of deep sadness. It's been a battle I wake up with every morning. Trying to make sense of the world, the the things in my life, all that is happening around me. I awake to a whole new day, another challenge to keep at bay all the negatives that dwell in my mind. I lay there for a moment, my head on my pillow, trying to decide if I want to face the day. I try to find the good things in my days. The things I am happy for. There are moments of peace, and sometimes joy. I feel happy for the sun that warms my skin. The change of color in the leaves, and the smell that comes with fall. Thoughts of carving pumpkins, and baking pie. The great, meaningful conversations I share again with my mother. The kindness and thoughtfulness of close friends. The small things are what I have right now. And I collect them inside of me, trying to build a protective wall around me. To keep the darkness at bay.

Today I went for a walk on my break from work. Like I have been so many nights now. I seem to be walking endlessly. To and from work. Exploring my neighborhood. Whether it is to try and walk away from whatever it is that's haunting me or trying to sort through my thoughts, I cannot decide. I get a feeling of escape. Trying to rearrange what seems so disorganized right now in my head....I passed by a window. Looking in, I could see it was a restaurant. I see a young girl standing at her podium, the hostess I presumed. I had a sudden feeling to smile at her. She smiled back softly. I could see we both shared a moment of unity. We both had that moment of understanding. It felt comforting. It felt good that I could make another person smile. Even a stranger. I recall hoping that I had helped make her night that much better. Just as her warm smile gave me a feeling of hope. It rekindled a feeling of innocence inside me for a split second. I felt humbled. Human.

We pass through each others lives, not knowing how we affect each and every one of them. Reading from a newspapers horoscope this morning, I read that I should greet everyone, even strangers with kindness and sincerity, for I could not know what relationships it would forge for me that day. It made me think how much we shut ourselves in from so many people, out of protection from what emotional harms others can cause us. Each day we put on our armor before we step out the door, to guard us from frustrations, hurtful remarks, arguments and conflict with all the random people we encounter. Trust is a priceless thing these days. Not a commodity that can be easily bought. A gift we should treasure and bear close to our hearts.

So I keep trying to find a sense of purpose. To hold on to innocence and hope. A belief that there is good and happiness to be had. My "kalos kai agathos" - a singular balance of the good and the beautiful.

Written Sept. 26, 2008

My Title

eÍpifaiðnw-pronounced ep-ee-fah'-ee-no: Means to bring to light in more literal terms. It is one translation. Quite visibly resembles the word Epiphany, which is the modern use of the greek word. I chose this as my blog title to represent the future discussions I will be posting on here.....or rather the thoughts I will be sharing with whomever cares to read. I hope to be writing about feelings and thoughts on life and my approach or reactions to it. A sort of self enlightenment...or rather a bringing to light of certain deeper inner thoughts and feelings. A self analysis perhaps. What is shared or written is not to be taken personally or as set in stone. This is just a way for me to explore my mind and perhaps gain some better understanding of myself and the world around me. Feedback is welcome as I am open to discussion.

I may be posting some older stuff I had on other sites.....just to build up to my current state of thought.