I have undergone some changes in my life lately that have triggered a slew of thoughts and emotions to engulf my mind. As indicated in my previous note.
These days I am overtaken with a fatigue and a lack of desire to pretend anymore. I have come to discover that I am incapable of pretending that I am something better and different. A better version of me. I am not stronger, more rational or more balanced with age. Instead I am awkward and unusual. I feel even more confused and bewildered by my current state of mind. By the way things have come to be. And yet fatefully I already knew many of the answers before things took place. I asked myself how I let it come to this point anyway. Logically one should stop the course of things if they foresee some kind of failure. It occurred to me then that the power of ones hopes and dreams are very powerful. Enough to even make the most rational and logical person push on. Because we all hope that a dream may come true deep down. The possibility. What might happen. But then the complications and compromise come into the bargain. Leaving us disillusioned. Reality can leave you with a bitter taste sometimes.
I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine. I hadn't seen him in a while. He has been through some similar changes that have affected him and his approach to the world and people around him. I saw a strain in his eyes and face. And I wondered if the same was present in mine. He expressed the same frustrations and said how he had no desire to be anything else for anyone anymore. That he would wait for someone to just like him as he was. I saw the same sadness and confusion. The question of what is it that was missing inside to be the right kind of someone for someone else. I've often asked myself this question. What are those things that trigger certain emotions within us to make us choose one particular person over any other. What does it take for us to remain loyal and connected to one person. The odds of meeting that person are often quite low, leading us all into this race of finding the perfect mate with whom we can live out the ultimate life we all picture for ourselves. And so what I see, is a lot of people settling with the nearest thing they believe they can find to it. As a result many relationships fall apart. My question is what dream are we really running after? Our own or the one we grow up believing to be our own. Fabricated by the very society we grew up in and live in...
Like many others, I find myself yearning to play house. Have the kids, the loving husband, the secure home I can decorate and do with all I want, the decent and respectable job. The stability with a foreseeable future. Then there's the part of me that fears to be chained down to so much responsibility and that I'll miss out on all the other things the world has to offer. The part that desires to travel and see things I've never seen. Live life as carelessly without any concern for responsibilities. To remain forever a child within, and rejoice in all that can be experienced in life. Because life is so short and there's only one life to be lived-our own. Unless you believe in reincarnation. How do we choose the path that is right for us?
I feel at times that the pressures to try and accomplish a certain state in our lives is a silly notion. What if there is no set place or path we are meant to be or take. Life was perhaps not intended to be so structured. And yet the majority of us grow up with this mapped out plan, with a schedule that tells us where we should be within our lives. If one could define "sailing through life" I would like to imagine it meaning experience as many aspects of life as humanly possible. Sadly we live with all the restrictions we've created for ourselves. Such as money, security, jobs, politics, bills and the worst yet is our need to consume. The ever growing monster within that urges us to purchase more every day to fulfill a void within us that cannot be filled. The abyss of materialistic needs.
And I am equally a part of it....
Written February 5, 2009
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