What is it I am supposed to be...?

I am meant to be kind, cute, intelligent, confident, courteous, assertive,seductive, attractive, decisive, supportive, successful, nurturing, motherly, strong, balanced, controlled, dedicated, and somewhat subservient-although society wouldn't label it as that or admit to it being as that.

To admit ones lack of confidence is unattractive. To be too strong is intimidating and undesirable in a woman. So where is the perfect balance? How is it achieved? Arguably, men are equally labeled and scrutinized. I don't deny that we should strive to embetter ourselves. But to be just to my morals, I feel that we should do that in the goal of improving us as a humanity. To achieve a better and happier world. One with less violence and injustice towards others. A Utopia if you will. One that many say is impossible to achieve. And undoubtedly so, as long as the fight for power and wealth remains to be an issue and a desired object by most.

So is it not a vanity within us that dictates all those flawless qualities. Surely noone is capable of saying that they fit beneath all those titles of greatness. It is beyond human capacity in my opinioin. I have begun to feel myself under qualified and less than fit, as I list these things in my head, and realise how many I haven't yet accomplished to be throughout my life thus far. I am an undesirable in society, if I choose to believe that I must be all those things expected of me. A society that is a unity of people, has always known it's flaws that never seem to be fully admitted. Instead we quietly strive individually to be things we think we should be. All running around with our insecurities, but putting up our fronts to pretend that we have no such things. We are less than perfect.....but is that truly a flaw?
We instead support this unhealthy infrastructure that holds ouir world together. Continuously following through this vicious cycle of what, where and how one SHOULD be.

I know that I am unconventional, incredibly insecure. Less than womanly in the eyes of what society defines it to be. I am not driven or "accomplished". But should we not define what we should be for ourselves? I feel that we need to shed these pre-specified characteristics that we're all expected to grow into. We all want to be liked and loved. Admired and respected.....there must be another way to be better people. Beyond what appearances can define.

I just want to be me and thought of as no less for it

Written February 3, 2009