Things that matter

I've been lingering between emotions lately. One of freedom and some kind of inner peace, and the other of deep sadness. It's been a battle I wake up with every morning. Trying to make sense of the world, the the things in my life, all that is happening around me. I awake to a whole new day, another challenge to keep at bay all the negatives that dwell in my mind. I lay there for a moment, my head on my pillow, trying to decide if I want to face the day. I try to find the good things in my days. The things I am happy for. There are moments of peace, and sometimes joy. I feel happy for the sun that warms my skin. The change of color in the leaves, and the smell that comes with fall. Thoughts of carving pumpkins, and baking pie. The great, meaningful conversations I share again with my mother. The kindness and thoughtfulness of close friends. The small things are what I have right now. And I collect them inside of me, trying to build a protective wall around me. To keep the darkness at bay.

Today I went for a walk on my break from work. Like I have been so many nights now. I seem to be walking endlessly. To and from work. Exploring my neighborhood. Whether it is to try and walk away from whatever it is that's haunting me or trying to sort through my thoughts, I cannot decide. I get a feeling of escape. Trying to rearrange what seems so disorganized right now in my head....I passed by a window. Looking in, I could see it was a restaurant. I see a young girl standing at her podium, the hostess I presumed. I had a sudden feeling to smile at her. She smiled back softly. I could see we both shared a moment of unity. We both had that moment of understanding. It felt comforting. It felt good that I could make another person smile. Even a stranger. I recall hoping that I had helped make her night that much better. Just as her warm smile gave me a feeling of hope. It rekindled a feeling of innocence inside me for a split second. I felt humbled. Human.

We pass through each others lives, not knowing how we affect each and every one of them. Reading from a newspapers horoscope this morning, I read that I should greet everyone, even strangers with kindness and sincerity, for I could not know what relationships it would forge for me that day. It made me think how much we shut ourselves in from so many people, out of protection from what emotional harms others can cause us. Each day we put on our armor before we step out the door, to guard us from frustrations, hurtful remarks, arguments and conflict with all the random people we encounter. Trust is a priceless thing these days. Not a commodity that can be easily bought. A gift we should treasure and bear close to our hearts.

So I keep trying to find a sense of purpose. To hold on to innocence and hope. A belief that there is good and happiness to be had. My "kalos kai agathos" - a singular balance of the good and the beautiful.

Written Sept. 26, 2008